Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room

my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie

Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.

The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.

[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*

“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to

I keep screenshots the way my husband keeps old cords, stored neatly away until the day I might need them.

*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?

Million-dollar idea:

Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.

I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.

i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street

Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.

Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time

Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges

Our lord and savoury.

I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.

Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.

Man these end times are taking forever

just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile

When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?

Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.

Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.

I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*

*listening to a Dateline podcast

70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.

Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.

Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.

Dude t-rex: 😑

[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramatic

Me *texting her back from motel room* am I

I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.

After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.

I’m giving up ice.

Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?

Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it

Duck *holding gun* good answer

Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.