Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6yo: what do old people eat?

me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.

6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.

Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…

Weird how parrots and I tend to share the same opinions

The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.

[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?

Me: I rolled it during a marathon.

Doctor: That’s really impressive.

Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck

I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70

[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?

*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*

[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite

If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.

Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.

Just me?

In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.

I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.

When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.

imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.

I took two years of anger management courses

Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores

Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing

I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.

6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.

I keep getting snagged in seemingly random single threads of webbing in my kitchen, which means I either have a spider casting a web of incomprehensible dimensions (terrifying) or a spider that spends their nights swinging around pretending they’re Peter Parker (delightful)

when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast

Bit chilly again tonight.

earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads

“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.

CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news

ME: for like important stuff i guess

CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs

ME: i said impor-

CNN: using chopsticks

ME: she did what

Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.

When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.

A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon

Looking for investors

Talking to funeral home director:

Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”

MIL: “Let go of me!”