All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
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ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
google ai LOVES to step in when it sees “vs” and will try its hardest to compare whatever you throw at it
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom