All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
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What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
“Your copier’s not working right. My copies all came out blank.”
“Looks like you ran them through wrong-side-up.”
“So, what, I need to flip them over?”
“Or we could turn the copier upside-down but that seems like a lot of work.”
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.