All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
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I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.