All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
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WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
im not a nepo baby, im a REPO baby. and i’m seizing your car! UPDATE: i acknowledge my father’s role as Head Repo Man and how that has awarded me certain privileges in my career. I am learning and growing. no you cannot have your car back
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
ＮＯＡＨ．ＴＨＥＹ ＨＡＶＥ ＴＯ ＢＥ ＡＬＩＶＥ
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
the lady who waxes my eyebrows asked me what my favorite local hot dog places are and i got so animated she had to stop working for a second
Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed