all bases covered
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My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
A big dipper? in this astronomy?
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Trying to figure out if this girl from high school and her husband got divorced. I’m incredibly busy
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
I come from a family of failed magicians.
I have 2 half sisters
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
I’m not ready to adopt a highway I can barely raise my own driveway.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir