*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
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Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
My new favorite headline
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.