All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
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me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
“How funny would it be if we made the packaging hard to open on a regular day, but nearly impossible if you’re bleeding out?”
– makers of band-aids
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
I used to do hundreds of press-ups a day when I was a lift attendant.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Grow up never but we old may grow we
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.