Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions

Him: You need to be more active in your community.

My Community: NOOOOO!!!!

Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough

ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes

*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.

Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?

[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]

My Son: Where’s his lawyer?

Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.

My Son: *heavy sigh*

Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks

WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker

SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon

Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”

It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.

Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.

Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.

“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.

“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”

That’ll be $2.60

“with egg”

$7.78

NVM no egg

$17.83

“What?”

[at gun point] give us ur wallet

Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.

me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?

kid: not like this

just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock

soft launching your call out the next day by telling everyone at work your stomach feels a little weird

I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.

Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.

My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.

Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.

I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv

Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.

Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.

A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you

I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.

The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK

it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you