all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
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The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Just paid £200 for a train ticket. If the inspector doesn’t turn up, I’m going looking for him.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”