All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
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wow he looks just like him
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection