Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So help me if I only taste dos leches in my tres leches cake

Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.

My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.

Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:

1) Death

2) The Pythagorean Theorem

Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”

Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”

Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.

If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.

[being strapped to a medieval torture table]

“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”

no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.

[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”

What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?

Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit

My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.

Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.

They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.

Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.

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anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group

* overheard at the bar *

Becky: so what do you do?

Him: I’m a beekeeper

Ecky: you astard!!!!

[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF

The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”

[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend

why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police

The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.

Me: I’ll have the steak

Waiter: how do you like it

Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet

It tastes nothing like bourbon btw

*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*

Girl: do bad things to me babe

Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*

wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?

me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah

Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..

“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” is my favourite song about wanting to slap someone if they did that.

I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job

my sentiments exactly

To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!