All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
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Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.