All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
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I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Still cracks me up
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Someone just threatened to call me later
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.