Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector

I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.

moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend

Thoughts while driving:

-Hope that light stays green.

-Hope it stays yellow.

-Hope no one saw me run that red light.

Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*

McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.

WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right

Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?

She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue

It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.

I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.

There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.

I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise

[First Date]

Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.

Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose

If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son

jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run

Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.

Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming

*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*

Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.

The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank

“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.

What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?

New trend:

“Haunting”

It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.

Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.

everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances

I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.

friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me

I’d love this…lol

Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.

[speed dating, today]

him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!

*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?

Steve: what?