All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
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“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
I shit my pants last week, which is crazy because I’m usually more of a toilet guy.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
my daughter just announced to me her favorite subject is math & I’m totally aghast.
girl, there are not FIVE degrees in English literature between your parents for you to like math. please.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
where’s Godzilla when we need him
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.