All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
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Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
it’s finally my moment to shine
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy