All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
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How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
I stepped on my cat鈥檚 tail & now he鈥檚 on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn鈥檛 latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain鈥檛 gonna happen.
He鈥檚 heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn鈥檛 know when to let something go
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the d茅cor.
If squirrels could talk, they鈥檇 have British accents.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 馃槀
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples