All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
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after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
yall want some gasoline milk
I don’t always push on pull doors but when I do, I do it two or three times to confirm how dumb I really am.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.