All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
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Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Crying is a sign of leakness.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.