All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
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Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
[ouija board]
“helo??”
ＹＯＵＲ… ＳＰＩＲＩＴ…
“shh its working”
ＷＩＬＬ… ＡＰＰＥＡＲ…
“omg”
ＡＦＴＥＲ… ＴＨＩＳ… ＡＤ…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
asking my doctor to give me the Marilyn Manson rib removal surgery to make more room for the hotdog eating contest
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?