All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
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What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
The cashier just checked me out.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces