All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself
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Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hotdogs! hotdogs!” over and over again?
That’s me, looking for hotdogs.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
Thanks to modern recycling technology you can now throw away the same Pottery Barn catalog 2000 times.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
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CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”