All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself
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I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
🤯🤯🤯
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep