All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself
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I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
I would move hell over six inches for you
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
This meal prepping shit is easy
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
If we start dating now, we could be feeding each other deviled eggs on Thanksgiving, and breaking up before we have to exchange gifts for Christmas.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
I used to make jokes about sewing but I ran out of material
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you