Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.

People are so nosy. “What’s your name” “who is your primary care physician” “do you have health insurance” mind your beezwax

The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom

I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.

Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.

I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza

Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages

Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting

Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.

[having house guests]

Me: omg I need to CLEANNN

[30 minutes later]

Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME

you learn something new every day oh god make it stop

Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then

[Deleting all work emails]

THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!

chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?

Word of the Day: No

Please use it in a sentence: No.

If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.

future wife: how many alarms did you set

me: don’t worry about it

wife: how many

me: twenty seven

wife: set three more

“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”

There’s nothing like new glasses to make you realize you should get new glasses more often than every five years. Like, ah yes, trees have leaves. Birds. I’d forgotten all about them.

Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking

My true love: no don’t

Me: what? Why not?

My true love: just trust me

The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.

[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?

[typing ellipses for a solid minute]

HER: yes

*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats

I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.

Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.

The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests

Ok but how old is your child in minutes?

I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.

Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.

-me to my beer.

I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.