Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hot singles in your area are eating chili.

Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.

Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.

Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.

‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury

Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.

I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.

There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.

My husband is great with playing games with them.

I’m good at taking them outside to play.

And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.

Please don’t cry

Seeing your tears makes me have to pee

Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.

ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?

PRODUCER: You mean a choir?

ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?

What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?

They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.

I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.

You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.

I’m calling the cops.

Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”

Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.

when people your age have their shit together and you have no idea what you’re doing

i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”

If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey

We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.

On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?

[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”

one thing I really like about competitive horse riding is that horses, more often than not, are assholes. love them! be an asshole! you’re a horse!

*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.

No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.

Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.

Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?

I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes

Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have