All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
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Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
how much for the angry fruit?
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”