All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
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Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks