All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
You Might Also Like
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Imagine if the scientists who made Covid combined m-pox with disease x and made X-Pox. The variants could be X-Pox 360, X-Pox One, and X-Pox Series X/S
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Give us this day our daily internet validation
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch