@StinkyGr33n
@DaddyJew
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
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@DaddyJew
@TheToddWilliams
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
@neiltyson
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
@michaelianblack
Maybe Taylor Swfit dates Justin Bieber and John Mayer dates Selena Gomez and it’s like matter/anti-matter and they all explode?
@ilovepie84
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
@SteveKoehler22
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
@krishna_van
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
@AudraEqualityMc
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ??
@UncleDuke1969
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
@i_Lean
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.