*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
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Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Maybe Taylor Swfit dates Justin Bieber and John Mayer dates Selena Gomez and it’s like matter/anti-matter and they all explode?
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ??
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe
[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together
[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this
[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it
[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.