@StinkyGr33n
@afynou
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
You Might Also Like
@afynou
@thenatewolf
Reading about Selena Gomez getting a kidney from her best friend and thinking about my friend who said he didn’t like to loan out his DVDs.
@AnnietheNanny1
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
@LittleMissAngr1
Cop: Ma’am, do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *pointing to my friend* She’s in labour, we need to get to the hospital!
Cop: OMG! Would you like a police escort?
Me: Well, if they make it a quickie and keep the uniform on.
@PetrickSara
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
@ThugRaccoons
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
@MarfSalvador
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
@Carbosly
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
@MableGertrude
Oh, so you make the bed everyday…I suppose you’re also the type of snob that folds your clothes and puts them in “drawers.”
@jenyb4
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer