@StinkyGr33n

All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:

Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”

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@TheToddWilliams

Daddy, where do bananas come from?

Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…

@neiltyson

Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.

@michaelianblack

Maybe Taylor Swfit dates Justin Bieber and John Mayer dates Selena Gomez and it’s like matter/anti-matter and they all explode?

@ilovepie84

I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.

@SteveKoehler22

My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.

Very weird.

Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”

@krishna_van

A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.

@AudraEqualityMc

Sally: I Love You Mommy!

Me: Melts into a puddle.

Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.

Me: Oh. ??

@UncleDuke1969

[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe

[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together

[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this

[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it

[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”

@i_Lean

Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.