“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
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Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
Tried a new approach oan the auld tinder
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
octopus: [spinning so fast it takes off]
me: [nodding] helicoptopus
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Cop : “Lets Do a drug test” Me: “Cool, which drugs are we testing?”
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.