Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.

Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall

If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”

Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now

There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field

I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan

i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle

witch: what do u need?

me: a spell to make my dad proud

dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable

That time a cat set off an atomic bomb in my coffee

PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there

*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course

Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?

Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there

Cop:….

Me:..

Cop: sir, your tailamp is out

Me:…

Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.

Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.

God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm

Penguin: got it

God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost

Kangaroo: Love it

God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best

Bird: wait, what?

me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say

[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder

If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob

Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*

My neighbor: Good Morning!

Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?

definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life

I can understand why chickens wake up and scream

Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.

the official breakfast of 2021

[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one

[first date]

Boy: so where are you from?

Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.

Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:

Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas

Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no

If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires

my boyfriend has made me vow to not be annoying at the bob dylan concert i don’t want to go to

You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…

Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.

Me: No kidding.

me: can you empty the dishwasher please

9: what? What do you mean?

me: how the hell can I be anymore specific?

My sons having a few friends stay over tonight

Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *check

Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while

Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.