Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)

OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE

(one second later)

We’re getting a correction from the brain:

it is the world’s tiniest moth

Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.

Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad

Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.

Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.

Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic

An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.

[operating room]

NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…

NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now

There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.

Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.

[first time picking up the tab]

her: don’t forget to leave a tip

me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*

Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.

Them: Our system thinks you might be a robot!
Me: Okay, cool can I just pay my electric bill anyway though?

news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.

Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”

Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.

Today’s weather from Yorkshire

The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.

I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.

You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.

If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.

Me: it was my grandmother’s ring

Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful

Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress

Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?

[talking to a date]

“I hate rushing into relationships.”

[talking to a new friend]

“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”

Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.

Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.

My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.

“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”

Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!

Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.