Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.

date: I like to tell dad jokes

me: does he laugh?

date: what

Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.

The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?

Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.

ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses

“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.

[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]

Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!

“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*

Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.

Someone once told me it couldn’t be done, so do you know what I did? I immediately said, “Ok” and stopped trying and I’ve never been more relaxed.

Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.

I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.

just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back

me:*pulls chair out for date*

her: such a gentleman

my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!

My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”

Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬

Okay me first

This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.

Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick

If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.

*pee

No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.

I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.

[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED

my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed

*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?

I triple waxed for this?

it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk

Noah could only fish twice.

Why?

He only had two worms.

#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes