Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.

Women are like campfires.

Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.

And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.

Mostly.

There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.

“Am I The A******? I punted my son into a volcano for not doing his homework”

Don’t let the woman with a smile on her face fool you … Oikos High Protein Yogurt tastes like feet.

As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God

Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.

Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.

Me: I stand by what I said.

Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.

Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind

She’s 11.

I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.

SCARECROW: If I only had a brain

DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas

TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you

A mechanical frog is called a ribot.

Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while

*first date*

Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*

“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.

Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.

Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”

If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.

Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.

Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”

Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?

Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.

A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women

I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels

Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.

A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.

I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.

got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again

Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re

Me: *finally asleep*

Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!