All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
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The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Why are bridges so flammable.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too