All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
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Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
No one judges you harder than a dental receptionist when you don’t know if you’ll be free at 2pm on a random Tuesday, in six months time.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet