Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.

son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult

Executioner: any last words

Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what

Executioner: what?

Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.

Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.

Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.

Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.

You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.

[Sahara desert]

Me: *shares canteen*

Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*

Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.

they say if you lose one of your senses the others become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day just by looking at them

When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.

A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.

My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.

[1st date]

Me: “So, what do you do?”

Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”

Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”

Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?

Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X

After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.

[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.

[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME

[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?

A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good

sex so good you start seeing dead people..

oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that

If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.

My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.

farmer: hay

horse: I have a boyfriend

I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*

*listening to a Dateline podcast

when you let your kid brother name your custom player

The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex

I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.

Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.

I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.