All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
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I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
This guy just fulfilled everyone’s childhood dream 🤩
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Is my life this bad because I didn’t forward that email to 15 people back in 2007?
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.
CHEF: Thank you.
ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*