All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
You Might Also Like
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Monica just destroyed the internet
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
If I was a hairdresser, I’d hold up a chopping board instead of a mirror just to see how many people still go ‘yeah that’s great’.