All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
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*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Hiring a mortician to do my makeup while I sleep
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
got so much cardio in today
I got rejected on my very first blind date and I don’t understand why.
My date asked me if I had any pets and I said that I had a goldfish. Any hobbies? I said yes, he likes swimming.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.