All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
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*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head