“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
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Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
i hope all the people who have me blocked because i annoy them are mad as hell they have to read this shit again. hi.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]