Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.

That depressing moment when you start your car to go to work and it doesn’t explode.

Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny

I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.

I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.

Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.

That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth

so this horse walks into a bar

pelicons

You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.

going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again

unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit

taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night

sin harder.

me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see

If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby

I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.

Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.

Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!

My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.

FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?

ME: She’s a real queen bee.

FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.

*a faint buzzing from my pocket*

ME: Dude, she’s right here.

Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.

*downloading the new earthquake warning app*

*setting to vibrate mode*

*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*

Okay, weigh me now.

When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button

Self-cleaning conscience

People are usually shocked that I have a Police record.

I don’t know why. They made pretty good music.

[every morning]

Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.

[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?

-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.

Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up

Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?

W: Oddly specific but yes

Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry