Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenting explained

Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at mom

Them: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad

Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.

I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.

Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?

Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?

I bought a portable Panini maker so I could heat up my underwear as I’m driving

I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date

ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal

WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me

It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.

But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.

Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?

5: because I’m 5

even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen

It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed

Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”

SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?

DRYER: rot in hell, pig

Instead of calling myself a babysitter, I wanted to mix it up and be original, so I referred to myself as a “kid watcher.”
Yeah, don’t ever do that.

“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”

Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.

*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way

Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.

Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.

Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours? ⁣
⁣

Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.

HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE

My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”

Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!

Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.

Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂

‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”

– probiotic

“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”

– amateur biotic

[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no

NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?

ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]

If Brussels sprouts can be bitter and celebrated, so can I.

Somebody’s lying.