All excellent questions
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Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod