Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.

Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.

i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64

A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.

Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.

Sir!!

Nobody:

Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this

Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.

When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.

7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!

Me: You’re exaggerating.

7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.

Okay, it might have been deep enough.

“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.

It was the best of times, it was the election year of times.

“I’ll worry about it next time”

– me pissing off future me

Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar

Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.

PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-

ME: [raises hand]

PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand

Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.

Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…

2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.

Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there

If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.

ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?

BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else

Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.

Relationship Status:

My dog was just licking my ear.

I didn’t stop her.

(Just overheard in the dentist waiting room)

Kid: Mrs Davies taught us about negotiataners

Mum: You mean negotiations?

Kid: *considers* Let’s agree on negotiatans

Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.

I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.

Whoa. I guess one dude quit: