All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
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when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Body by sandwich.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature