All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
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“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
also bring a xylophone to highlight the sound of your exaggerated tiptoes
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then