All food is good if you spell it wrong
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Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Her: I went line dancing last night..
Me: It was roadside sobriety check karen
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
No way!
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
The $40 delivery fee for my Ben and Jerry’s is steep, but I admit I picked the Lamborghini to impress my neighbors.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”