All food is good if you spell it wrong
You Might Also Like
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”