All food is good if you spell it wrong
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What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
my uncle was kicked out of the army for eating too many spider webs
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Hey, if we have the same make and model car & you park right next to me at the store, don’t look so surprised when I get in your car by mistake, dude.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.