All food is good if you spell it wrong
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2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘