Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed

Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?

As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips

If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.

taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out

hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?

“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.

Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.

I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”

My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life

Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?

Me: Your head.

Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”

My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.

[playing the board game Guess Who]

Me: Is your person handsome?

5-year-old: No, they look like you.

Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread

When someone says you are so lazy

i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.

rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born

barista: *under breath* shit

sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”

Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.

I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.

Me: OK now i need fresh fruit

Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.

Me: No fresh fruit

Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.

*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*

“Where you going?”

one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist

Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.

[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry

i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters

I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.

“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here