All generalizations are stupid.
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[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
5 ways to appear taller
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
**shaking a magic 8-ball**
Me: Will my vision ever get better?
Coconut:
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon
HER: You don’t know how to steer this hovercraft do you?
ME: I do not.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.