All generalizations are stupid.
You Might Also Like
no refunds
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Might start signing off emails with ‘well I hope you’re happy’
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
How are you?
“Yeah, not bad” <– normal person
“Yeah, pretty good actually” <– show off