Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
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When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever