I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
All girls love surprises. I didn’t know putting a snake in her handbag was wrong. We can’t understand women.
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my 14 year old sister posted on snap “sucks to see someone else enjoying the man you built” LMAO
At the bar I got into a factual debate with another patron. He pulled the “I have a PhD” card.
Now he has a PhD AND a fork in his eye.
friend: is this tv high definition
me: let’s check. TV, what’s alfredo sauce?
TV: *rips bong* pasta frosting
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Told my wife that Hooters is an owl rescue sanctuary where I’m doing important volunteer work.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
Having a bummer day? Here’s an out of context Spider-man comic book scene that made me laugh.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.