anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
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Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
This is sending me to another galaxy
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.