All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
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work smarter, not harder
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– the one time you misspelled that word in the chat
– how badly you misspelled that word
– god you are so stupid they will literally never let you live that down
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Noticed that 9/11 and Friday the 13th are both next week and briefly had the dumb thought “it’ll be weird when they fall on the same day.”
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁