All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
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Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
I have so much to offer. It’s all bad, but still
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
customer: your darkest roast please
barista: god created amnesia bc of you
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”