Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people

Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.

My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.

peacock: how’d the date go?

me: not so well

peacock: you show her your tail?

me: no i-

peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit

My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.

Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.

Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition

Nose so runny it just signed me up for a 10k

shout outs to the guy at work tonight playing pool with his friend who asked me to play “Everlong” by foo fighters so he could “power up”, followed by his friend very sweetly and very earnestly asking me not to play it because he would “power up”

I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed

“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”

~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out

you’re so productive for your wage

Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?

“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”

You had me at “define legal”.

Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they

Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.

Guys when life is tough and you feel nothing is going your way, remember, things could always be worse. You could have to take a shit at a music festival.

I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.

“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”

*Gas station attendant nods*

“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”

I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.

Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.

Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.

Dear Cereal Makers,

Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?

A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.

Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.

My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.

[First day working in a warehouse]

ME: What’s that machine for?

“Oh, that’s the forklift”

ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??

the way he checked his surroundings 😭

Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?

Date: actually, I love graveyards

Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?