All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
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[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
The pen is writier than the sword.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”