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If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
In Canada they just call them geese
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Chaos ensues as I try to stop my 3yo from falling off the couch. My 5yo runs into the room and screams bloody murder. She stops and goes:
“Sorry. I didn’t know what was going on, so I just started screaming”
And it’s like, indeed, my little love; you’ve just described Twitter
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
🖕🏻👽
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.