You Might Also Like
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
I told my son to do something, and he gave me that ugh attitude. My daughter looked at him, “THIRTY SIX hours!” To remind him how long I was in labor with him lmao
Checking my emails on Cyber Monday feels like walking through a mall where everything’s yelling at me.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.