All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
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Might fuck around and reply “history will absolve me” to all work emails.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
4 year old: I had a nightmare
me: don’t worry, it wasn’t real
4 y.o.: I dreamed every movie based on established I.P. will now be reviewed by a committee of nerds censoring anything that might be controversial with fans of the franchise
me: *terror rising within me* no way
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like ‘that explains it.’
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up