Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
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I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
so this horse walks into a bar
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here