All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
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[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
thought i lost my wallet today but then i found it. free endorphin booster if you’re stupid enough
I may be a middle aged suburban male but I still enjoy going out*, picking up hot chicks** & bringing them home.
*to Costco
** rotisserie chickens
You better watch out
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?