All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
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If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no