All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
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Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Saying “3 twins” is wild.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
A particularly friendly email response from me could mean either:
a) I am happily responding to you.
b) I’ve never wanted to kill someone more but I want you to do the thing that I’ve asked.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played