a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:6:”kzam92″;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3330737389/c7a4a78607de111ed90aad11a160d780_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”280225987420106753″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”35″;s:5:”tweet”;s:61:”All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

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GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face

ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent


the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs


Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up


You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.


I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol.

The other night they dropped me 3x while carrying me to the car!


Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.