All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
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One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Anyone really