@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:6:”kzam92″;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3330737389/c7a4a78607de111ed90aad11a160d780_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”280225987420106753″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”35″;s:5:”tweet”;s:61:”All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

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@TheHyyyype

GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face

ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent

@camillagluh

the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs

@maryfairybobrry

Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up

@BeerBatterBeard

You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.

@WowYoureFunny

I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol.

The other night they dropped me 3x while carrying me to the car!

@mulegirl

Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.