Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?

*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*

Me: I want to buy a keyboard

Yamaha: yep

Me: … and a guitar

Yamaha: yeah we got you bro

Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?

Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this

My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…

“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”

My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call

Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.

“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”

Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.

I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos

Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.

Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap

ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮

“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.

Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.

Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.

-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse

Mother: can you please fix my computer

Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006

As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.

As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.

When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side

MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]

Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.

I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.

The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.

Definitely less than a hundred.

I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.

If I ever die on some hill, rest assured, something fishy is going on.

Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.

An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.

Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”

And he can, he can hold them all.

There should be a product swap booth on the way into Costco, you can bring the massive package of snacks that your kid used to like and exchange it for the huge box of snacks that some other kid has rejected

Cop: Can you explain how you got here?

Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born

Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?

Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.

Good times!

Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother

Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.