All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.
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People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.