All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.
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“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
What do you call someone who chews all day?
A train
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
The Universe can have my atoms back.
I don’t want them anymore.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.