Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.

Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?

4: I’m going to be a mom.

Me: That sounds fun!

4: No, it won’t be.

what’s the point then??

[ first day as a bartender ]

*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*

I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.

I could die and my boss would hold a seance to ask if I have my shift covered.

Me: *making table side guacamole*

Priest: Please get off the altar

Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6

*email from Amazon*

Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE

Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE

Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE

We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE

My 3 moods:

1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit

waiter: is pepsi ok

pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok

*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*

Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.

I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.

Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.

I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it

[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle

embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together

It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.

Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.

The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.

Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’

At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.

my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this

Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!

Me: [a puppy mediator in the old west] get along, little doggies

Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.

The steaks have never been higher.

What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights

[College admissions office]

“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”

ME: that’s wack

Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?